listening to:
iTunes (as usual) and it's on Party Shuffle. Oh look, it just started playing I Caught Fire! Greaaat.
iTunes (as usual) and it's on Party Shuffle. Oh look, it just started playing I Caught Fire! Greaaat.
mood: mood schmood. i'm sad. and melancholic. and a dash of angry on that.
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warning: sad, sad post ahead. i know i promised myself NOT to talk about this, and to confine these sad stuff on my livejournal alone, which no one knows of. there's no fun in drama when no one gets to read it (ANO?!). i also promised myself not to make these kind of things in case one of my uncles in london read it. pero what can i do, ang swabe ng timing eh. and this is probably the first time i'd be letting "everything" to hang in the clothesline of my blogposts, for everyone to see.
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I don't know how to start, really. Here goes...
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OK. here's the thing. i don't know what i want. i don't know if i want to get over someone or if i want him to like me back. first i wanted him to like me back. syempre first instinct ng girls yun. everyone wants to be liked back. and then when i saw the odds of it narrowing, i wanted to get over him.
i don't know if i should tell him how i feel, or leave things as they are.
my heart is absolutely screaming right now, to the point that it's physically evident. my heart is pounding hard right now. my heart is screaming his name, but my mind tries to imprison it with barriers of doubt and fear. doubt that what i feel is truly something worth recoginizing. fear that i might not be able to get on with life. fear of what people will think of me. what he will think of me.
this is stupid. it is. i have said so many times that i shall get over him. pero feeling lang yun eh. feeling. it fades away. easy. i thought a certain new friend i made will make me leave everything behind. ayyayyay. i was wrong, oh how wrong i was, honey. past is past, diba? but why can't i just drop everything and deal with it? things happen, and some things just don't last.
eh tapos i see his picture, and suddenly, everything comes back.
baka nga feeling lang siya. maybe because he looks good in the picture? i'm afraid this thing is just something physical. i'm letting myself become vulnerable because of liking someone because he's goodlooking. pero hindi eh. i look at those eyes that aren't even looking at the camera. the eyes that were facing down... and something tells me that everything isn't as bad. and then the second thoughts i have are pretty-low already. like how would it feel to hug him? or how would it feel just to sit beside him?
[my titos are going to kill me. =)) =))]
and then i was watching little manhattan with my mom and sister...and the main character, Gabe, said something that made me go YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! It went something like...
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words.http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412922/quotes
Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over
stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about
going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is
about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.
rosemary has said she hated him...but that didn't stop gabe from doing it [watch the movie to find out what 'it' is]. love really is going that extra mile, even it hurts...letting all your feelings hang there, known to that someone. love is finding that courage that was hidden.
so what am i waiting for?
rejection? what have i got to lose? it's not like we have had anything, and it's not like i'll be losing anything, right?
what am i waiting for?
rejection? rejection is something not to be afraid of. i used to be afraid of it, but through and through i realized rejection is part of life. that's how it works. if i get rejected, that's when i start getting over him, then i'll ride my gasless car from that road. sounds great.
i guess i'll only get over him when i start getting closure of how things are.
what am i waiting for?
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that felt good. first time ko maging super honest about this certain topic. first time to be fearless. Xp
i think too much. i think i have a thought coming on. uh-oh.