Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die;
I am not afraid to bleed and f*ck and fight,
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pigmy sized cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted f*cks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand f*cks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the gutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything.
Especially a f*cking knife!
- the used, i'm a fake

Are you reading this? I don't think so. Hopefully you will, someday. Maybe not now, but someday.

I don't understand anything about me. I don't understand why everytime I intensely think of you, my stomach fills with butterflies. I can't eat. I seriously and honestly can't. It's 6:47 a.m., I am wide awake, and I'm supposed to be hungry right now, because I woke up at 5:30 today, for no reason. This is how I feel right now. I always tell myself, everytime I like somebody, "I've never felt this way about someone". Which is very true. Because everytime I end up liking someone, the feelings become more intense by the minute. The more pain I feel. The more I get attached. At first, I told myself I could never fall for you, you were too much for me. If God gave me you, wow. You were godly, almost perfect. At the start, I just had a little fun, enjoying whatever I had with you, if ever that I had anything with you. In front of our computers, we were friends. In the outside world, I don't know. Summertime, phwoar. We were almost like the closest of friends. The sad thing is, that was in the Internet. Another dimension away from ours. I would tell you my problems, occasionally you would tell me yours. That's what I liked about you. You were able to give me something that I needed, something I direly needed at that time. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. You made me feel something I didn't feel. Because this time it was different. Before, when I'd have a crush on someone, I'd assume that I love him/her before you can say "London". Now, I know that I don't love you. You made me feel like I was your friend, and that I am welcome to be part of your life.

And then everything almost ended when the school year came in. I was looking forward to this school year, because I'm going to see you again, and maybe take things to the next level. Maybe you'd become my friend, hang out with my guy pals and those things. But no.

At first, my mind went temporarily off you, I was looking for all of my friends, wondering where they would be, whether they would look different or anything. But I was still thinking of you. Nobody told me his section. And things changed when I went to the green board and checked out our sections. I saw your name first. There it read... *insert name*. And I can't react. My friend shrieked for me. I was full of emotions. My mind was in a temporary bliss. Wow, you're my classmate, how better could things get?

Things went horribly wrong. I should have known it, the moment I sat beside you during the orientation. You weren't talking to me, I wasn't talking to you--and we were sitting beside each other na. I was never like this to anyone. Anyone that I'd meet in Y!M, whether batchmate or not, I would always greet. Now, I can't even look nor talk to you. I ran out of words to say. There was this uncomfortability in the air. I felt it, and so did you. I know you felt it. Because you kept on moving, switching positions, not knowing what to do. This wasn't your environment. You were used to being your noisy,hyper,makulit self, that you don't even know what to do when seated beside someone else. Not one of us dared to break the ice.And I'm wondering if you were wondering too at that time. Wondering why we can't talk to each other while in Y!M, we spend hours in front of the computer, talking to each other. Is that really how things are supposed to go? I don't know if I'd cherish the moment, or rather forget about it. I was in an emotional pot at that time. I felt happy, anxious, uncomfortable, sad and confused all at the same time. After the orientation, we were all rushing to go out. My body was trembling from the tension. And then I caught your eye, and you gave me a look. I don't know what that meant. But it was kind of a... "What the f*ck happened?" or maybe a... "hahahahah. Nice job" look. Or maybe it meant nothing. After the day, I barely ate for the week. Oh, I ate, but it seemed that I was on a diet. And I wasn't. At all.

Then, the school year officially started. There were many exchanged glances. Maybe you were wondering, the same way I am, why we're not talking at all. I hoped to be your seatmate, but that couldn't happen. We were 6 numbers away. Too bad. But wherever building we go in, I have the perfect angle of your face. In the college building, when I'd look behind (which my closest friends are, Angelique, Mike and Angeli, seated), I'd see your face. Sometimes you'd catch me looking at you. Sometimes I'd catch you looking at me.

During the first few weeks, I'd see things progressing. You would text me when you forget things about school. There was one time when I even talked to you in Y!M. I remember that conversation, and I do remember what I felt at that time.

Then suddenly, all went *poof*. No texts, no words, no replies, not even Y!Ms.

Now, I don't know what happened between us. You would talk to me, question why I didn't do what I'm supposed to do at home (surprisingly, he wasn't talking about homework.). I was offended and was very (very very very very...very.......) pissed off at that time. You wouldn't talk to me, and then when you finally do, you would tell me that? How dare you. Good thing I gave you a good comeback, and you needed a plumber to unclog your mouth. After that, you wouldn't tell me anything. And after that period, oh, I MADE IT CLEAR. I made clear how pissed off I am. I don't know if you'll apologize or anything. At first, when I thought that it came from someone else, I was pissed off, but not to this point that I want to slap him in the face. When that someone else made it clear that it wasn't him, I exploded inside. I wanted to slap you in the face. Hindi mo nga ako kakausapin, tapos kung kelan mo ko kakausapin, babarahin mo ko? Ganyanan na? Swerte lang ako maganda yung sagot ko dun sa tanong mo, kundi..ewan ko nalang ngayon. The whole day, my brows were furrowed to one big eyebrow (ewww. How horrible that must have looked), and my usually upturned lips were in one straight line. I was mad, and I was offended.

I wouldn't know what to do with you.
I don't know if I would ever have the guts to ask you face to face, "What the f*ck is wrong with you?"
I don't know.
I don't know if we will ever become friends, more better friends than we were last summer.
I don't know if I did something wrong, and if I did, would you forgive me?
Or will we just continue going on this way, like we don't know each other?
I don't know if I don't love you, or if I am making a desperate bid to stop the love flowing.
I don't know.

Love is not like anything.