I feel fear, anxiety, and oddly, some sort of happiness and excitement. Probably excitement of what I'm going to try out; happy because I've finally figured things out. But you have to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, you'll never really know what's going on his mind.
The answer to most of my questions are practically lying everywhere, I've just remained blind to them. Books that I've read, people I've talked to. I hate it. I hate the fact that the solution to my agony is just lying there...
I learned so much today. Scratch that. Realized so much today. Realized things I already knew.
Ironically, these realizations had something to do with the movie A Walk to Remember.
Tell you what, I really don't like that movie. Yeah I know. Throw vegetables at me. I like romance and comedy, but I can't understand why I don't like it. It's a pretty cool movie, a lot of people I know like it. Maybe because it deals with death. Never been good with death. Maybe that's that.
And to clue you in to what I realized, read these:
Landon: Listen, Jamie, I was hoping we could run lines together?
Jamie: Okay, but just not so anybody knows, right?
Landon: Well I just figured we could surprise everyone with how good I get.
Jamie: Like we could be secret friends.
Landon: Exactly, exactly it's like you're reading my mind.
Jamie: Great umm... maybe you could read mine.
[she gives him a cold glare and turns away]
Landon: Jamie, Jamie I can't just be your friend.
Jamie: Landon, look, I thought I saw something in you, something good, but I was very wrong.
--------------------
*update/
Good thing I talked to our guidance counselor. Atleast now she told me what I needed to know. What I needed to ask. What I needed to DO. What I thought I knew was nothing compared to what was real.
I was living in my fantasy. He might have been all I wanted. But want is nothing compared to need. I may want a MacBook laptop, but I need food to live. Which is more important? The MacBook or food? Do you get my point?
Oo. Siguro nga he's everything I wanted.
But what, he's playing with me. Go straight man. Damn straight. Cut the chase.
But I know you won't.
I need to do something.
I always thought that I was OK about myself. Sure, I was OK about how I looked. But I allowed him to treat me unfairly. What, he was ashamed of me being his friend? Because of what? Because I wear glasses AND braces? Because I'm a geek? WHAT?! I don't understand.
And that, is exactly what I have to find out.
Am I even his friend? Give me real friendship, man. Sometimes I forget about myself already.
Something's wrong with me.
I am definitely NOT ok with myself.
Hahah. And now what, I've become really dim.
