ta-da! welcome to my world. :)
Thursday, April 19, 2007
of last posts and returns.

First time to make a last post.

It has been a great 8 months. I have met new people, forgotten about them, and they have forgotten about me. =)) Sorry if I have forgotten about you. I focused on all the wrong things, and have lost contact with some, or rather, most of you. HAHA.

It's hard to find a reason on why I'm leaving.

Uhm wait, lilipat lang pala ako. :)) Drama drama na eh.

So to the people who'd be visiting this in the future, my new home is...


talented people are often MISUNDERSTOOD.

by missunderstood, and hello wonderbebbles!!!

byee and see you when i will!

i think i'll be leaving this dump.

=)) i think i'll be leaving for now. you can read my previous posts, but you can now visit me HERE, too. hahaha. i have yet to announce my transfer.



Wednesday, April 18, 2007
of shame and music videos.

Oh dear, I just re-read my last post and it didn't sound like me. Scary! :)) Anyways, I am loving Taking Back Sunday a great deal this summer. Even if they sounded better in Where You Want To Be, I prefer listening to Louder Now. HAHAHA.

LIAAARR! LIAAAR! If we're keeping score...

I love their vocalist, Adam Lazzara. Really. You should see their music videos. What I love about him the most is that...well, when he sings, he will always have weird expressions on his face...which I can totally relate to, 'cause I do it all the time, when I lip-sync into songs and when I'm trying to annoy my little sister. It proves to be effective. 'Cause in the end of me and Chiara's argument, she sticks her fingers into her nose and she tries to touch me with that finger.

Disgusting, yes. But I live with it. 'Cause sometimes, I do the same to her.



I love the video for Twenty-Twenty Surgery. Lazzara looks smokin'!!! Haha. He should always keep the shades on, though. The music video is some sort of based on the prison concers that Johnny Cash used to do. I forgot what they were called, but can always wikipedia it. I hate Lazzara's nose ring, though. Peace.

Twenty-Twenty Surgery

You gotta love the Lazzara. :)

OH! I ABSOLUTELY adore Liar's music video:
TAKE NOTE OF 1:08-1:10. i love this part.
yes, that's when he pops his collar. :))

Liar (it takes one to know one)

It's absolute genius. :)) Lazzara looks nice in this one too. It's funny, because I viewed it again, and when I was lip-syncing to it, I do the exact faces that Lazzara makes! :)) Soulmates! =p


Also, you gotta love the Jared. I mean Jared Leto, of 30 seconds to Mars. I just don't say it because he's hot. He can sing too! And their music videos have depth, and most of the time, they're movie like. Here are some vids:

From Yesterday

First American music video to be entirely filmed at China. Beautiful. 7 minutes long, but waiting for it to load is worth the wait. It's complex and puzzling, and that's what's beautiful about it. Also, watch out for the 3 short seconds when Jared shows his knock-out abs. Beautiful, man I must say. I'm disappointed with the show on ETC, Sexiest, for not including him on the top 25. I mean, this man is brooding and sort-of stoic, he oozes sex appeal. Dang. Love love Jared Leto. :)

The Kill

Favorite song from 30 stm. The video's scary. Really scary and creepy. That's why you gotta watch it. Jared Leto looks really hot in this video. The hottest I've seen him so far. I like him this way. Kind of chubby-ish. Haha. The video's also complex and confusing, you have to watch it more than once to understand it. That's why you should love it.

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Sunday, April 15, 2007
this love is taking its toll on me...

listening to:
iTunes (as usual) and it's on Party Shuffle. Oh look, it just started playing I Caught Fire! Greaaat.

mood: mood schmood. i'm sad. and melancholic. and a dash of angry on that.


warning: sad, sad post ahead. i know i promised myself NOT to talk about this, and to confine these sad stuff on my livejournal alone, which no one knows of. there's no fun in drama when no one gets to read it (ANO?!). i also promised myself not to make these kind of things in case one of my uncles in london read it. pero what can i do, ang swabe ng timing eh. and this is probably the first time i'd be letting "everything" to hang in the clothesline of my blogposts, for everyone to see.


I don't know how to start, really. Here goes...


OK. here's the thing. i don't know what i want. i don't know if i want to get over someone or if i want him to like me back. first i wanted him to like me back. syempre first instinct ng girls yun. everyone wants to be liked back. and then when i saw the odds of it narrowing, i wanted to get over him.

i don't know if i should tell him how i feel, or leave things as they are.

my heart is absolutely screaming right now, to the point that it's physically evident. my heart is pounding hard right now. my heart is screaming his name, but my mind tries to imprison it with barriers of doubt and fear. doubt that what i feel is truly something worth recoginizing. fear that i might not be able to get on with life. fear of what people will think of me. what he will think of me.

this is stupid. it is. i have said so many times that i shall get over him. pero feeling lang yun eh. feeling. it fades away. easy. i thought a certain new friend i made will make me leave everything behind. ayyayyay. i was wrong, oh how wrong i was, honey. past is past, diba? but why can't i just drop everything and deal with it? things happen, and some things just don't last.

eh tapos i see his picture, and suddenly, everything comes back.

baka nga feeling lang siya. maybe because he looks good in the picture? i'm afraid this thing is just something physical. i'm letting myself become vulnerable because of liking someone because he's goodlooking. pero hindi eh. i look at those eyes that aren't even looking at the camera. the eyes that were facing down... and something tells me that everything isn't as bad. and then the second thoughts i have are pretty-low already. like how would it feel to hug him? or how would it feel just to sit beside him?

[my titos are going to kill me. =)) =))]

and then i was watching little manhattan with my mom and sister...and the main character, Gabe, said something that made me go YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! It went something like...
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words.
Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over
stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about
going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is
about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.

rosemary has said she hated him...but that didn't stop gabe from doing it [watch the movie to find out what 'it' is]. love really is going that extra mile, even it hurts...letting all your feelings hang there, known to that someone. love is finding that courage that was hidden.

so what am i waiting for?

rejection? what have i got to lose? it's not like we have had anything, and it's not like i'll be losing anything, right?

what am i waiting for?
rejection? rejection is something not to be afraid of. i used to be afraid of it, but through and through i realized rejection is part of life. that's how it works. if i get rejected, that's when i start getting over him, then i'll ride my gasless car from that road. sounds great.

i guess i'll only get over him when i start getting closure of how things are.

what am i waiting for?


that felt good. first time ko maging super honest about this certain topic. first time to be fearless. Xp

i think too much. i think i have a thought coming on. uh-oh.

Friday, April 13, 2007
of bloggers and blogposts.

Hahah. Ang daya. I was bloghopping just a while ago, and I noticed that more seasoned and much older ladies offer much insight compared to a teen girl's blog.

Just like mine.

You know, they tackle drama in a drama-less way. Like, when they go to this certain place and they actually tell you about it, they don't bore you with insignificant details (like I do) and they always have pictures accompanying it (unlike I do).

Naiinggit ako. Suddenly I want to be more experienced and older and I want to tell you people about it. I want my own camera, and I want to go places with it.

Tama ba yun? Is it right to say that?

Waaah. Naiinggit ako.

Anyways. I was Wikipedia-ing (again). I should have believed my Tito when he told me that Wikipedia has everything. Grabe. Wikipedia is addictive. It's got anything and everything. Haha. Others get addicted with Dota and O2jam, I say Wikipedia.


Haha. Anyways, I was blabbing once again.

So I was Wikipedia-ing Johnny Cash, because Walk the Line was showing in Star Movies. And then in the entry about him, there was a link to Rock n' Roll, so I clicked it too... Which led to the list of the many genres of rock.

Grabe. Ang dami dami pa pala. Twee Pop? Viking metal? Anatolian Rock? Avant-progressive Rock?



Kaya nga I'm refraining from labeling genres. Ang dami-dami nila! Like kunwari, I say this one band is emo. They say they're not emo, just alternative-rock. Oh dear. Just let people believe what they want to believe! Haha. They're all just the same. Rock. And Roll. HAHAH.

I just realized this when I tried to click the link leading to each genre, trying to classify the bands that I know under each genre. So far, I needn't click the link to each genre, since most of them belong to Alternative Rock anyway. But still, you know. It's fun knowing different rock genres.

Ang labo nga lang talaga. :))

Natatawa lang talaga ako sa mga name. Math Metal? Queercore? Boogaloo? COWPUNK?


Oh, and by the way, I love JOHNNY CASH! :)) Musical discovery. Ching!!!

I love his song, Hurt. Which was covered by Nine Inch Nails. I loved the cover too. But mas gusto ko yung version ni Johnny Cash.

Shame, shame, he died on my birthday, when I finally turned 10. (September 12, 2003)

I didn't watch Walk the Line, though. I dislike movies featuring underdog stories. Which explains the reason why I didn't watch Coach Carter and movies of the same type. With the exception of Dodgeball: a true underdog story...because it really isn't a true underdog story. :)

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Thursday, April 12, 2007
fast fast update.

Listening to: Back in Black - AC/DC

Huwaw. Today's training was super tiring. We had drills, and then what else...ahh yes, we had the soccer game. We were divided into two groups... Haha. I was assigned as defense. Defense oh yes. I am bad as a defense. But I promise I'll do better. Natatakot parin ako mang-agaw. Which I am entirely capable of. Natatakot lang ako.

Haha. Hindi ako umitim sa sleeves part, umitim ako dun sa boundary ng legs chaka ng paa, because I was wearing my shoes. Graaabe. :)) I need spikes. Ang sakit sa paa gamitin ng rubber shoes. Oh wait, they weren't even trainers. The shoes I use right now are just for "casual" wear. Pangporma-porma lang raw siya, sabi nung saleslady, when I bought them. Heck, they're adidas shoes anyways, so I guess they'll be matibay.

Woo. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

On the other hand, I'll be dozing off...because I am TIRED.

And I still have to:

  • research about the senatorial candidates, do a write-up about them and print them to give to my mom...because she wants to know which senators she should vote.
  • input the data on the calling cards of my mother. which are A LOT.

ahwell. the things i do for $$$. (they really should put a peso sign)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Started football training yesterday. It was great, though I was intimidated because everybody else was really good. But hey, I didn't feel that nervous. I looked dumb in the field, but it didn't bother me since I'm a newbie, and that's what they expect out of newbies anyway. I hit the ball once and missed it once, since some guy snatched it outta me before i had the chance to control it. Coach was great, and the girls were friendly...and the guys were helpful. :))

Tomorrow, I promise to run after the ball and to kick as many times as I could. Para I wouldn't look dumb naman. Come on.

After football training, I want to atc (as usual) with the girls Angeli & Hazel. Oh wait. Before that we went to the Stomp Dance Studio since the girls wanted to check out the schedule for lessons and how much they were. I am considering to attend jazz dance classes with them, but then again, I have to choose between that, and drums. Hahah. Pretty hard decision to make. Ay no, wait. Hindi din pala. I think I've made a decision.

So anyways, we went to ATC. Ate at KFC, then went Pinoy tripping and watched Ang Cute ng Ina Mo. Corny, but hilarious, really. Unexpectedly, it made me laugh. It was a good movie. Anne Curtis was cool, her fake Oirish/Australian accent was good at first, then was annoying later on. Luis Manzano was so hilarious, oye. Hahah. I love Luis. Xp AiAi was what I expected. It was cool, really. Xp

Oh wait, alam niyo ba, meron na ulit nung limited FIFA edition (tama ba) Havaianas. OMAYGAHHHD. I went hysterical. I want I want I want alll of them. Pati England ulit. Kasi maliit na yung akin. But I am prioritizing Havaianas Germany right now. OYE! =)) Tapos Havaianas Portugal. WAAAH. I need $$$. (walang Peso sign eh.)

On the music side of things, I LOVE JOSH KELLEY! Sunset Lover and Only You are really feel-good songs. While on the other hand To Make You Fell My Love and Everybody Wants You are absolutely tearjerkers albeit the fact that everbody wants you is NOT sad song. :) Hay, I suggest Josh Kelley songs for your summer playlist.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007
happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I know I shouldn't be sad because I'm really have had a good day (except for the part where I lose my wallet)...but really. I started soccer training, but more of that later...probably.


It's like everybody loves you and everybody wants you lately...
- Josh Kelley

There's something about this song that makes me want to return everything. Songs, poems and letters burnt in the fire, files wiped out of its existence in this computer. How sad. It makes me want to take back what I have said, to take back what has happened. What I felt, what I wanted.
Oh dear. I see nothing wrong looking back to the past, but I guess something's up when you're obsessing over it.

But really, nothing can help it, right?

Nobody said it was easy, it's just a shame for us to part.
- Coldplay

Desperation is a funny thing. You get too desperate, you get into trouble. Be not desperate about something at all makes you somehow appear as not interested in getting what you want. This might not be the same for other people, but it goes for me.

Desperation is a funny thing. You get too desperate and you don't solve the problem; more often than not you make it worse. Be not so desperate about something and not show interest makes you somehow appear as not interested in getting what you want; oftentimes people don't see you as someone worth helping... More heads, the better. For me, atleast.

Desperation is a funny thing. Sometimes, the puzzle just doesn't fit. There's a missing piece--an extra piece. Then numbers don't make sense. The figures don't look like figures anymore. That's when you get too desperate.

Nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be this hard.

Baby I'm too lost in you, caught in you, lost in everything about you so deep, I can't sleep, I can't think. I just think about the things that you do.

Obsession. Everything you get obsessed about gives you trouble. In the end, it all boils down into something: too much is bad. I have gotten obsessed into so many things in the past that when I try to sit down and recount them all, I feel like there's always something I have forgotten. I became obsessed with Harry Potter, Daniel Radcliffe, Hero Angeles (as I have said, I regret. Xp) and so much more things.

Recently, growing into my adolescent years, I have found a new obsession... that I didn't notice was an obsession, until now.

To me, finding someone I love and someone who will love me back is an obsession...and the same goes to some girls my age out there. In the end of the day, I just want to know that someone I love...and loves me back romantically will always be there for me, will have a family with me (oi, in the future, hah), will build a house with me...you know...the same old crappy cinderella fairy tale story. But now not all fairy tales...happen. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue, maybe it's about affirmation, maybe it's about closure that everything will be fine.

Obsession to finding love can be tiring. Love comes, you don't go around looking for it. My mom told me that the love that last, the relationships that last are the ones where things just happen. Chance meetings, knowing each other, building friendships. For someone as young as me, this can be very scary because I am afraid that sometime in the future, I might grow tired of loving. I might grow tired of hoping that someone is not there for me. I am afraid that I will have no one to come to home to. No one living with me in my house. No screaming children, no bossy husband. I am afraid that because of my obsession to finding the perfect one for me, the ideal guy for me, I may not be able to let in the people who should be in my life.

Melancholy. Desperation. Obsession. Very funny things indeed.

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Saturday, April 07, 2007
inner peace and forgiveness

My foot is, once again, stinking in my mouth. I feel so guilty and I feel so awful about what I have done to someone, who did nothing wrong to me. Ok nga kami eh. Ako pa gumagawa ng problema... Grabe, I feel so awful talaga.

I want to say sorry to this person. Maybe she doesn't know she's the one I'm talking to... or rather, talking about here. Pero just for the sake of my inner peace, (which does mean a lot to me), I want to say I'm sorry. Ang tanga-tanga ko. I feel like crying right now. I've misjudged her, and have done stupid things behind her back.

Oh dear, my brain is starting to scatter all over the place.

And then I realized, that I'm wasting my time over people who doesn't deserve something as precious as it. I have been a complete and utter fool, if it's any consolation to the people who I have hurted, people who I have bored to death, people who I have forgotten because of them. And maybe, just maybe, they weren't the people I thought they were. I don't know; I am not in the position to pre-judge them at all, since I really don't know who these people are. I cannot fathom what the hell went through my mind. I risked so many things. Friendships, time, ideas, my sanity, even who I am. I just realized awhile ago, that if they can't accept me as I am, the uncoventional, loud, quiet, quirky, queer, crazy, fat, Jollibee-loving, grammar-conscious and the moody person that I am, then I say I'm sorry, 'cause I'll be hardly worth their time...and they'll be hardly worth mine.

I guess it all boils down to a few things. My self-esteem was in a wreck. People have stepped over me and hurt me so much...and yet I didn't care. Oh sure, they might have done it out of something completely unfathomable. But it doesn't matter right now. What they did was wrong, and it will always be. Persons (did I use it right?) who love themselves do not let other people step over them and mistreat them. People who love themselves do not go near people who hurt them. People who love themselves-- supposedly the group of people I belong to. But really, now that I have realized it, I'm wrong. Completely wrong.

And I guess my foot will never end stinking in my mouth, since Virgoans and September babies are known to be impuslive, frustrated and regretful. But never mind. It's for my inner peace anyway.

And maybe they will hate me more. But no one else can hate me as much as I hate myself. So I guess that hardly matters. I'm ready to say sorry to anyone I have wronged. And then I'll be ready to surround myself with people who actually love me. People who love me in real life, and not in my dreams.


Listening to: (or rather, listened to)
marc cohn - i hope that i don't fall in love with you
forty foot echo - drift
josh kelley - everybody wants you
katy fitzgerald - it doesn't get better than this

^^ all from the Prince & Me 1 soundtrack (yeah, the one that starred Julia Stiles :) )


P.S. cheers to inner peace and forgiveness! :)
p.p.s/p.s.s. if i have done you wrong, im, tag or comment. and explain how it happened, why it happened. then i shall say sorry.


names have been changed on purpose for security reasons.


i am HOME.

HOME! Finally. This last trip to Batangas was good, really. We didn't sleep on plywood, I shared this itty-bitty bed with my younger sister. I couldn't sleep. I didn't sleep. Until my sister left the bed, and I had the bed all to my self...

I had a nice time. I have thought a lot... Well I always THINK a lot. It just so happened that I thought more of the things that I should have been thinking of. :)

HAHA. Good thing mom brought her laptop and we had this cd full of ripped-off games from Yahoo, Popcap and GameHouse. Hahah. I enjoyed it a lot. I am now, once again, addicted to Hangaroo. And I'm getting the hang of it! (Pardon the pun xP)

Pictures lateerrr.


I feel so good right now. :) Leave 'em (or rather, him) alone is now my mantra. =)) I've been pretending for a year or so, and now I'm letting it go. ISN'T IT GREAAAT?


I miss the girls. =)) ANGELI, what kind of dream was that!??!?! O_O Hahahahaha.


Last na. :) Oohlala. Songs I'm loving right now:

Liar - TBS
Twenty-twenty surgery - TBS
Anything from Maroon 5!!!! (Hahah. All time favorite is Sunday Morning)
Risque - Cute is what we Aim for
Backend - Coheed&Cambria
Curse of Curves - cute is what we aim for

.... at maraming-marami pa! xP i'll be back, i guess. we're going to watch MS. POTTER. [catchy title, i thought it was a spin-off from the harry potter series. ]