it's because....
she's pretty
fair
has a nice body
smart enough to be called smart
funny
nice
friendly
told 'ya. she's a 'perfect 10'.... well-behaved,etc. etc. go scram and ask my [not biological...some kind of a]mom... ask her about her and hear nothing but good things...
how about me? i'm fat, i'm ugly, i'm stupid, i'm so glum, i feel so bad... i am such a jerk. i hate myself.
her? she's perfect [except for the backstabber part]. she can dance, sing, act, pretty creative, and all things mentioned that are quoted...
i feel so sad na parang i'm just pushing myself to him, acting like a jerk [a b**** perhaps], nagmumukha naman aqng tanga...sa dulo,anong mangyayari? sinong masasaktan? ako?
tanong: bat ko naman kasi pinahihirapan ang sarili ko
simpleng sagot.
dahil mahal ko siya.
if i can turn back time, back during the summer of 2004. if only i wasn't selfish enough to be jealous of my childhood friend. then this won't happen to me. don't get me wrong, i am not blaming them because i got fat [i got mad at them, didn't come out of the house for weeks...there you go, i ate and i ate.]. i am, in fact, blaming myself. why did i let it affect me? why did i eat so much? why didn't i exercise? so....result: i got fat
and then today, i was mocking myself, saying :"bakit ganito ako ginawa? bakit ang pangit pangit ko?". and then people would tell me, hindi ka pangit, cute ka nga eh.. well thanks for the effort people, it's greatly appreciated. but you don't have to lie. i know i am not beautiful. i am, in fact, ugly. real ugly. i don't know why i even bother to put up my own picture at friendster.
those words said by my own [read:NOT BIOLOGICAL] mother, they always come across my mind when i'm in a pensive or thoughtful, or silent mood. those praises about her. how come i never hear any of those?
yesterday, my mother [ack...she's not the biological one! the biological one isn't involved!] and i were texting. then out of the blue, i started to tell her what i think of myself. i mocked myself. i felt bad. i even confronted her :'what? how about a perfect 10?!' ...it may not sound mean here, but i forgot the rest of the conversation. it's just that i feel so low of myself, na parang wala nang maganda sakin. lagi nalang kasi xa eh. xa lagi napapancn. she's always in the limelight. she's always the center of attention. guys flock to her. but she's still my friend. the issue here is me. i don't even know why God is doing this to me. i feel so ugly about myself! and to tell you, i can't even do anything about it! i can't lose weight, i can't get rid of these stupid zits and unaligned[though not so bad] teeth...
so what's good about me? huh? WHAT NOW?! tell me! sorry for the rage. i feel so bad! that even if i won 3 medals in two days, one of the 2 lone people who got E in SS [yes, i dd get an E], it wouldn't make up for it because i can't have the heart of the guy that i love! what's worse is that i can't cry. cry lets me out. and now, i can't cry, which is just so mean.
i feel like a bitch here, pra ngang ang landi q eh. even my mother [do i have to remind you?] told me that i was fast...maybe too fast. parang nde daw tamang asal para sa babae na gawin 'yon. na tawagan ang lalaki, na blah blah blah. and she told me na parang if i tell him na crush q xa, he myt be turned off since he would think that i only text him, i only asked for the favor, that i only call him dahil crush q xa.
i won't lie, part of doing it is because crush q xa. the other part, is because i am concerned. he is a boy of only 12 years of age and he acts like he's what?18? the last time i asked him what time he slept, i found out that he only spent an hour to sleep! so parang ang labas sakin ay offending, ung sinabi ng mother q. 'cause maybe she just doesn't understand!
hindi ko maintindihan ang buhay ko.
TAPOS!